You have the right to consult with a marketing professor

In the Miranda vs. Arizona decision, the Supreme Court mandated that individuals under arrest must be informed of their right to avoid self-incrimination. Although this decision has been criticized by some over the years, even the late former Chief Justice William Rehnquist--who generally was not very sympathetic to efforts by criminal defendants to keep evidence out of court--ended up writing a majority opinion that the Miranda warning by now had become so much part of "the American psyche" that it could not be excised from constitutional protections.

Most diet programs and nutritional product labels insist that the user should consult with a physician before implementing any dietary change or exercise program.

Why is it, then, that nobody reminds people of their right and duty to consult with marketing professors--the wisest people on Earth?

Don't get me wrong. I know that attorneys have by far the most accurate technical information on how to address the legal aspects of criminal charges. If arrested, one's first call should probably be to one's attorney. Soon thereafter, however, it might be a good idea to contact a marketing professor to discuss the best ways to maintain one's reputation while being unfairly charged.

We also need to keep in mind that although anything that a criminal defendant says after being advised of his or her Miranda rights can be used against him or her, in non-criminal situations, what you fail to say can work against you. Remaining silent can mean passing up a nice opportunity for profits or--better yet--even supernormal profits. Marketing professors can inspire you to say truly profitable and meaningful things!

Many people don't realize that marketing professors know about much more than just business. If you are ever wondering who to marry or have other important questions on ways to live your life, I cannot think of a more well-rounded and thoughtful person to consult than a marketing professor. Accountants, car mechanics, surgeons, dentists, rock stars, or electrical engineers? I don't think so! Maybe, in a pinch, a management or psychology professor could do, but "the real thing" is invariably best.

And shouldn't you have the right to have a marketing professor present during your marriage proposal in case you have any last minute issues for discussion or if you need to respond to proposalee's response to your question? The right to have one present during any questioning by the proposalee’s parents certainly seems like an essential one!

Will society ever come to realize the injustice of the current situation that communication with attorneys, medical professionals, and member of the clergy are privileged while communications with marketing professors generally are not? How can people be comfortable disclosing information that is important in resolving their situations if the marketing professor can be caused, by misguided prosecutors, judges, and civil litigants, to disclose sensitive information?

I have now doubt that history, in the long run, will vindicate marketing professors and give us our clearly deserved--but long denied--recognition. It's just painful to think of all the people who, in the mean time, will fail to fulfill their potential and will live much less happy lives than they would if would access the guidance of a marketing professor.

Betrayal of Pluto

Back in the late 1990s, it was a matter of tremendous sorrow to me that some severely misguided astronomers wanted to demote Pluto from its rightful status as a planet to a mere asteroid. I couldn't believe their nerve! I was quite surprised how many people seemed to agree with me, and I breathed a sigh of relief when it was finally announced that the bozoes would not proceed with that lunacy (pun intended!) after all. It is now clear that my sigh was premature.

The rotten psychopaths have now completely gone off the deep end and have proceeded to recommend that Pluto actually be demoted afterall. This is a clear case of both intellectual and moral bankruptcy! Granted, there is at least one other body that is bigger than Pluto which has not yet been recognized as a planet. Why not promote that planet instead? There is nothing sacred about having fewer than ten planets. Why be so stingy? Is it necessary to have more commandments than planets in the solar system?

As an eccentric individual, I am truly offended that the bozoes have so callously chosen to target the only current planet with a truly eccentric orbit for this treatment. Have they no shame?

Trying to fool the public...

The other day, I had an appointment with the Department of Marketing Designated Administrator in Charge of Faculty Photography at the Marshall School of Business of the University of Southern California (DMDACFPMSBUSC) to have my photograph taken for the faculty description board.

For standardization, the photograph was taken against a door. The light was modest, so it was only after we returned to the department office with three photographs taken that it was noticed that my shirt collar was misaligned. The DMDAFPMSBUSC suggested that we take another photograph, but I pointed that since the picture was intended to show reality and that it would be more likely than not that an absent-minded professor would be found with a collar astray, it might be more realistic to keep the original pictures so that people could recognize me in real life. After some thought, the DMDAFPMSBUSC said, "Then we'll play a trick on them!" I was happy to go along since I never pass up a good prank. ;)

Selling One's Soul on eBay--commentaries

For some reason, I thought of the phrase "sell your soul on eBay" and ran it through Google. I wasn't sure that I would get any hits at all, but amazingly, there were seventy-eight unique references (wtih a total of 168 with duplicate instances within the same site being counted). [1] Fortunately, most of the sites deal either with why this should or cannot be done. One person indignantly states "That's basically stealing someone's money." Others are more cynical--one person denies the possibility because "You have to become a politician or a lawyer first. "

One person actually did try to sell his soul, but eBay would not allow this listing. If you want to find out how he did it, check out http://www.theindychannel.com/news/4081533/detail.html?subid=22100444&qs=1;bp=t .

With a slight adjustment, the phrase becomes "sell my soul on eBay." This results in 80 unique hits. Among them: "I'm going to sell my soul on ebay. Well, not quite. I am going to be selling a lot of little goodies there though. I'm not sure what exactly yet, ...." A disappointed individual reports: "I tried to sell my soul on ebay, no bids. Bummer." Then there is the more contemplative: I actually intend to sell my soul on eBay at some point in the near future."

Yes, I admit it--the thought of trying to make a quick buck on a seminar entitled something like "Getting the Most for Your Soul on eBay" did cross my mind--I was thinking of a price somewhere in the neighborhood of $149 (with a possible group discount) for a half day session. (Unfortunately, those of us on academic salaries may need to supplement our salaries in ways that may be a bit distasteful.) While I am at it, "Beyond Online Auctions: Profit Maximizing Venues for Soul Vending" might make a nice title for an academic paper.

As marketers, we have to think of innovative products and services. The idea of selling one's soul is quite worn by now, and many people find the practice rather objectionable. This is where a contrarian staregy might come in handy. Some segments might be more receptive to the idea of saving a soul. These consumers might more willingly pay for a report entitled "Soul Saving: Ways to Maximize Interest Yield." Does $169 for a thirty page report sound reasonable, or would I need to include some kind of bonus with the offer?

[1] Technical footnote: Since the search was done with the text in quotes, this count does not include other related phrases such as "selling..." in the gerund (resulting in another 26 unique hits and 146 total instances with duplications across sites allowed). If quotes had not been used, there would have been a lot of "false hits" (irrelevant sites using the words in other combinations) and certain intelligent substitutions would be used--e.g., "souls" in the plural would have sufficed.

The Life and Thinking of a Prude

The other day, in response to an utterance by my nephew, I asked him if there was any real difference between holy and profane excrement. When he drew a blank, I asked him, then, why he explictly [pun intended!] referred to the former, specifically.

These Dreams...

Most of us probably have strange dreams every now and then. My dreams may be a bit stranger than most, but, as I am fond of saying, if you do a log transformation, I am not that much of an outlier. ;)

This week-end, I dreamed that former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms was taking one of my classes at George Washington University. The timeline involved is not clear.

Recently, I dreamed that an American student wanted to make a call to France from a landline phone in a classroom during class and--to add insult to injury--wanted the class to be quiet during the conversation!

Sometime ago, I dreamed that my sister Anette, a veterinarian, had been appointed Secretary of the Interior (despite the fact that she is probably even more liberal than I am, making a Bush nomination unlikely).

Spammers, Mistarget Marketing, and Streamlined Bigamy

One of the spammers' newest tools to escape e-mail spam filters is sending an e-mail whose visible text actually takes the form of a graphic--thus, current spam filters can't catch references to aphrodesiac substances, mortgage refinancing, and other popular spam topics. (These messages probably contain some text to confuse the filters, but this text--if it is present--is not readily visible.)

These spam messages usually contain some rather strange subject lines. I recently received one ostensibly about "streaml[ining] bigamy." I admit I am rather curious about what this idea entails, let alone how it can be done. Yet, sending this type of message to a prude like me seems like a gross instance of mistarget marketing. It is almost as wasteful as the times when a disgusting, sleezy outfit calling itself Adam and Eve has offered to send me its filthy catalog! Yet, of course, efficiency is not important to most spammers.

This is the second time I have received a graphic (literally, not figuratively) message whose subject heading contained the word bigamy. One hypothesis is that words that occur in the news may be more likely to get through spam filters since a lot of people now subscribe to news alerts.

I Don't Know What I'm Missing

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M MISSING

Copyright © 2006 Lars Perner

By Lars Perner, Ph.D.

As a person on the autism spectrum, I am at least “sort of” human--at least some of the time. This means that I am subject to many emotions that most ordinary people experience. My experiences may not be typical, but they are human—or at least near human—experiences nevertheless.

Most people have is the drive for attachment. For evolutionary reasons, there are good reasons why people pair up. In my life, I have experienced something akin to love several times. I have fantasized about romance many times and dreamed about finding the perfect match for me. Truth be told, I know that perfection is impossible, and I would be perfectly happy for settle for someone who is merely super-human. I have been deeply touched by hearing about other people’s experiences. I will even admit that I have felt by the experiences of fictional people. When I read novels by Danielle Steel many years ago, I had perhaps too much empathy for some of the characters.

Yet, in my own life, I have never advanced far into relationships. There is only one woman with whom I have had more than one date. One of the reasons here, of course, is that finding the right person is hard work and that the match has to be mutual. To many of the women that I saw as a possibility, I would not have been a suitable match. Many women who would have been intrigued by an “adorable eccentric” like me would not have been suitable for me.

Another issue, however, is whether having a relationship, when we add up everything, really comes out as a net positive experience. Yes, this question sounds very autistic, but I am constantly surprised to see the rather constant conflict between people who actually both like and love each other. Relationships also involve challenges that, to me, are rather frightening. Spontaneity is one of the more terrifying realities of many relationships. It is very difficult for me when decisions are still “up in the air.” I dislike discussing options for things to do with no knowledge of the likely outcome. Or the possibility that a change of plans will be suggested. It may be true that “imaginary lovers never disagree” and “are always there when you need” them, but most people are, for better or for worse, real or—worse yet—fake. As the singer Dann Rogers put it, “Love’s a slice of Heaven—and little Hell.”

Having never had a lasting and significant relationship, I literally don’t know what I am missing. I don’t really know much about the reality of the plusses and minutes of a relationship. I have felt a tremendous attraction to a sequence women in my lifetime. One could call my feelings attraction, love, infatuation, captivation, or any number of other terms. As a sincere and committed prude, lust would probably not be a suitable description, but other word choices abound. The bottom line is that I know the feelings of attraction and longing. Yet, I don’t know if being successful in finding a match would turn out to be a blessing or a curse. Yes, I am intrigued by the possibility of having someone “whisper something soft and kind,” but would the experience really be all that satisfying when push came to shove? In some ways, I am perhaps even more of a “world class hopeless romantic” than Joan Wilder, but I also have an acute sense of danger and strong drive for self preservation! Do I really want to “know what love is?”

Having been alone for so long, I value my freedom. Outside work, I usually do not have to coordinate with anyone what to do and when to do it. Giving up this freedom seems a major sacrifice. Yet, maybe something really worthwhile could result from love! I know this is not rational, but I am human after all.

In a sense, I would like to experience mutual love. It is human to want this. Yet, although I know that a feeling and acting on an attraction are an evolutionary necessity for the species, it is much less clear that this is really in the rational interest of the individual. In the old days, a relationship provided for an important division of labor. This is not as necessary any more. Some people would argue that you don’t need a rational reason for everything in life, but, at the very least, I would really like to hear a truly persuasive irrational reason!

On the issue of children, many people started out like me. In their youth, they had no need for children. As one mature woman, who now had a daughter she loved said, the “very word used to scare [her].” At this point in my life, I no longer doubt that I have made the right decision—or at least avoided making the wrong decision—in not having children. I do not question that many people get genuine joy out of having children. Yet, there is no doubt that I would resent the burden. I believe that my writings can contribute much more to the world in helping parents understand their autistic children and autistic people understand themselves than having children of my own ever could. I do not miss children. I get tired all of a sudden and would resent having to take care of a child. I would also intensely dislike the conflict that inevitably results even between the best parents and children. I rather doubt that I will ever wake up one day and regret I did not have children. I may come to increasingly understand that there would have pros and cons, but I rather doubt I would ever conclude that squandered an opportunity.

The question of love is different, however. In my daily life, I do not usually feel deprived in not having anyone. There have been instances when I have longed for a particular woman, but this comes and goes. When the crisis is over, there is no great void. Love is not easy, and the downside can be considerable. As the singer Ed Bruce put it, “If it [were] easy, everyone would be in love.” So many marriages end in divorce, sorrow, or both. But still, some marriages turn out to be very happy.

Dr. Tony Attwood has commented that many people on the autism spectrum may need a “thimble” of socializing instead of the big oversized sixty-four ounce gulper that many “normal” people seek out. Social interaction, in moderation, is important to me. Perhaps I need a thimble of love, but does love fit into thimbles? Flexibility is not my strong suit, but perhaps—albeit with marked reservations— I could even go for a small cup. I just worry that it might flow over.

Am I avoiding something that is highly overrated and, in reality, likely to be distressing, or am I missing out on something that would truly enrich my life? I don’t know.

Questions about Asperger's Syndrome

Today, I have received a number of inquiries about my writings on Asperger's Syndrome. This may be because of the coverage on "Dr. Phil's" show (which I have heard was not very favorable). Here are some questions that one person sent me along with my answers:

I just read your aspergerssyndrome.org page. All I have are a few questions.

1. Are you for real?

Yes. ;)

2. No, really, how solid is your Asperger's diagnosis?

Since I have moved several times, I have seen three different psychiatrists and two psychologists who have confirmed the diagnosis.

3. I know nothing about it, does the medical community really know more than I do?

Individual differences between individuals with AS tend to differ a great deal, so you really need to know more about the individual than about AS per se. A lot of research has been done about AS in recent years and we are learning more and more.

4. Are there other individuals, such as yourself, who fit into the DSM-IV definition, but who are also fairly successful in life?

Yes. Temple Grandin has designed more than one third of all cattle processing plants in the U.S. Vermon Smith received the Nobel price is economics a few years ago.

5. Is Aspergers a gift or a curse?

It is probably a bit of both. For many, it is more of a curse. I do not know what life without AS would be like. For some people who have more severe problems, it is much more of a curse.

Two tiny bits of additional waste?

Earlier, I have commented on the "seemingly wasteful universe" with so much matter floating around out there with no apparent use for us. Yes, I know that this is an Earthnocentric point of view, but I will admit to have always been a bit Earthnocentric. I did have to make allowances for the Sun--which sustains life on Earth--and reluctantly for Jupiter, since this giant planet apparently shields the Earth from objects that might have collided with us if they had not been grabbed by Jupiter's gravity.

Now it has been announced that Pluto has at least two more moons--for a total of at least three. Previously, I had not expressed much concern about Pluto--the planet is so small that this amount of waste seems rather immaterial compared to the rest of the universe. Two more puny moons probably won't make the situation much worse, anyway. It is entirely possible that Uranus and Neptune do some good, too, but I am more skeptical here, and their number of moons might be a bit mor excessive...

Amazing TV Commercial from the "Friendly" Skies

Normally, I am not one to praise United Airlines, but a recent TV commercial that this airline has released is quite amazing. Maybe this is more touching to a marketing professor than to most "normal" people, but this commercial is an excellent demonstration of the "means-end chain"--the idea that product attributes--and sometimes products themselves--are used as a means to an end rather than as an end goal.

In this predominantly black-and-white cartoon format--with color as needed--a man gets up in the morning and stuggles to select an appropriate tie. He then flies to a black city--presumably New York--enters a building, takes the escalator, and then notices that his shoes do not match. (This, again, probably strikes a more receptive cord with absent minded professors than it does with normal people). He then enters a conference room and hands over his resume. He goes through tough questioning, and and his disappointment is clear as he heads down the elevator. This is where the usually more upbeat Gershwin tunes turn melancholic. As the man walks the street, however, he receives a cell phone call and jumps for joy. On the flight back, the flight attendant walks the "friendly aisles" (my term--not the commercial's), but the man has now fallen into peaceful sleep with his top shirt button opened.

There is saying that humor can be explained but the amusement tends to die during the dissection. Perhaps it is with same with this kind of a touching story. It is almost a shame to "invade" this beautiful ad, but here are my comments. The ties, shoes, and the cell phone are all means to an end--as is the travel by implication. To this list of means to ends, we can also add less notable elements such as the elevator. It is clear that the event of the interview is an important one in the man's life and that the job appears to offer opportunities to advance toward the man's ultimate goals. Ironically, these are unspoken.

Given my interest in autism, it is interesting just how much this ad depends on empathy and theory of mind. If one did not understand what the job applicant was going through, the ad probably would not make much sense. It would definitely not be as captivating.

This post has made several allusions to "normal" people. It is interesting to note that the ad probably would make a considerable impression on this group, too. However, if most "normal" people do not find the ad as captivating as I do, this provides reassurance in my view that I really would not want to be normal.

Spam in Spanish--from Japan

The globalization of the World is nothing new, and, in truth, many of the new examples that are related seem rather trite. Today, however, a very interesting example escaped my spam filter: A message in Spanish--seemingly about some male performance enhancement substance--featuring a sender domain suffix of Japan!

For some time now, my patience--along with that of many others--has begun to run out. In answer to the question of whehter most spammers "deserve everlasting punishment," I am inclined to conclude "Probably yes." (See my earlier entry on "The non-spammer who cried 'Lamb!'").

Pink beverages

One of my favorite exam questions asks which research method would be most appropriate to test a hypothesis, held by manufacturers of citrus beverages, that some men will secretly be embarrassed to consume pink lemonade since they may find the beverage too "sissy." The preferred answer is projective research--asking the respondent what someone else similar to him might feel. It is easier to admit that another man's manhood may be threatened by a "feminine" beverage that it is to admit that about one self.

Imagine my delight when, in tonight's episode of Gilmore Girls, Rory celebrated her twenty-first birthday, and her grandmother invented the "Rory" in her honor. The drink contained a number of obnoxious components and was quite pink. Rory's grandmother, Emily, gave Luke a hard time about his apparent discomfort with the drink--it was supposed to be feminine!

Personally, I would prefer to avoid this drink. It is not the color that is threatening my manhood, but I am a firm believer in temperance. Without the alcohol, it might be OK. ;)

Lack of Passion

Last year, I posted several inspirational signs on bulletin boards in classrooms around campus. One of these signs asked, "Do you have a passion for profit?" Recently, I noticed that some individual had written an indignant "NO!" as a response.

Song Facts

As a prior blog entry relates, I am fascinated by the potential background and stories songs. Yesterday, I discovered http://www.songfacts.com/ , a site that provides just this kind of background. Apparently, I am not alone in wondering who Suzanne is, and who is being accused by James Taylor of making and executing plans that put "an end" to her.

One of the stories that has touched me most is "Mandy," as sung by Barry Manilov. I had heard before that originally, another singer had recorded this using the name Brandy, and that to avoid confusion with "Brandy, You're a Fine Girl," the woman's name was changed for Manilov's U.S. version. Song Facts could not provide any information on what inspired the song. Apparently, there have been rumors. One was that the song was about the author's dog. The author reportedly admits to telling that story. However, that was in response to a phone call from a reporter that had awakened the author. He later said that this was the first story he could think of and that he would have said anything to get rid of the reporter as quickly as possible. Oh well, we are left wondering...

It is not clear how carefully the information has been verified, but there are some interesting stories. I found the site searching for background on Train's song "Drops of Jupiter." This song apparently came to the lead singer in a dream. Supposedly, the question about "[falling] from shooting star ... without a permanent scar" may be tied to a scar on the writer's face. I have some difficulty comprehending how anyone could ask with a straight face whether "Venus [was] ... everything you expected to find." Few rational people could have much of a hope of finding any comfort on this planet with its crushing atmosphere and deadly heat. I can certainly understand, however, how the solar wind could "sweep [one] off [one's] feet." Whether intentionally or not, the song gives off some insight into the writer's cultural background. Strictly speaking, people from cultures whose cuisine features other concoctions may not actively seek to "imagine [a world with] no fried chicken," but that could just as well be because they never thought of the possibility of a world featuring this cholesterol extravagant dish. As to what is meant by the notion of "[dancing] along the light of day," I have no clear idea. On the other hand, the observation that "[her checking] out Mozart while she does tae-bo [reminds] me that there's time to grow" is quite inspirational.

It turns out that neither John Denver nor the two co-authors of the song "Take Me Home, Country Roads" had been to West Virginia when the song was written. The song writers were nearby in Maryland, however, when the created the song, while on a road trip, based on postcards they had received from a friend visiting the "country road" state.

Record producers, feeling that the song "Daniel" was too long, insisted that Elton John and Bernie Taupan cut the final, fourth verse. That verse had clarified that the story was about an older brother who had returned from the Vietnam war and, having become disillusioned with the U.S., moved to Spain.

I am grateful to the staff at Song Facts for compiling this treasury of information, so I do not want to sound ungrateful in showing my disappointment that there is no information about some of the songs that fascinate me most. None of Atlanta Rhythm's songs are listed, and there is no entry for "In Neon," sung by Elton John and written by Bernie Taupan.

In case anyone wonders about the songs I wrote, "Tears on My Keyboard" is purely fictional. I don't know of any Tennessee man who fell in love with a woman in Texas.