Ice cream

My first elementary school was in Elsinore, the setting of Hamlet.  Elsinore had been the capital of Denmark at an earlier period in time due to the city's strategic location.  It was only a few miles across the ocean to Sweden--a distance much shorter than what you would have to sail if you started in Copenhagen--so this was a great place for a  Naval stronghold where fees could be exported from those who wanted to pass through.  (The Danish Vikings were rather aggressive.  During parts of the 11th Century, they had the audacity to invade and occupy Britain,  a country with some ten times the population of Denmark.  The British had to pay a steady tribute to avoid further incursions.)

In Elsinore, there was an ice cream parlor that we would sometimes visit after school.  One another occasion, my late grandmother brought my sister and me there for an ice cream cone.  She reflected on an ice cream parlor that she had patronized in her youth and commented on how much more expensive the ice cream had become.  I no longer remember the exact figure, but she probably said that an ice cream cone cost something in the neighborhood of 5-10 cents when she was growing up.

My grandmother then told us that the ice cream she bought in a similar ice cream parlor during her childhood  "tasted like cardboard."

I was curious why she had bought the ice cream given the seemingly unappealing taste.

"Oh, I wasn't all that finicky," my grandmother replied in a very defiant and self-righteous voice.

Sister Cindy

Back when I was in college, a traveling evangelist named Jed Smock would often come by colleges preaching.  An article in Wikipedia describes his style as "confrontational evangelism."  Although he readily confesses to his own misspent youth and his conversion, he was viewed skeptically by many.  During one of "Brother Jed's" visits, exasperated members of one campus evangelical organization put up banners saying that "There is sanity in Christianity!"

One at least one occasion, Jed brought along his wife, "Sister Cindy," who described herself as "a former disco queen" who had reformed.  My sister indignantly reported to the rest of the family that Sister Cindy had admonished the women in the crowd that, before they accepted a marriage proposal, to ask their potential future husband, "Will you make me obey you?"

Without missing a beat, my mother remarked, "It might be more appropriate to ask, 'Can you make me obey you?'"

Delighful Reflections: Quips, Conjectures, and Pontifications is now available

My new book Delightful Reflections:  Quips, Conjectures, and Pontifications (ISBN-13:  9780615561981) is now available from Amazon.com and CreateSpace.com .

The following are a few "samplers:"

• Any residents of Washington, B.C. were most likely Native Americans.
• Proof found outside the pudding is likely to be much less messy.
• A minister suffering from laryngitis is in a poor condition to preach to the choir.
• The right to use bullet points may be guaranteed by both the First and Second amendments.
• Someone singing "Do Cry for Me, Argentina" is likely rather self-centered.
• Granting a child's Christmas wish for a hippopotamus would, under most circumstances, be somewhat unkind to his or her parents.
• Morally marginal individuals ought to be aware that what happens in Vegas may stay on Facebook and Youtube for a long time!
• One would hope that a piece of textile with the message that "Dog food is delicious" is a dog coat.
• It is mean for parents not to allow their children to clean their rooms.
• It is really sad to hear one elementary school student bragging to another that "My funeral is going to be bigger than your funeral!"
• Authors who are afraid of the dark should refrain from hiring ghostwriters.
• One rarely ever hears any objection being expressed to the comparison of pears and grapefruits.
• If Lynn Anderson suddenly has a memory of this, the decent thing to do is to record "I DID Promise You a Rose Garden."
• If it does not look like a Dachshund, does not walk like a Dachshund, and does not bark like a
• Dachshund, it might be considered deceptive to list it on Craigslist as a Dachshund without disclosing these material facts.
• A nun who wakes up the whole neighborhood while beating up a fellow nun for disturbing the peace needs a serious talk by the mother superior about goal displacement and constructive ways to deal with problem co-workers.
• There does not appear to be any support in respected, peer reviewed journals for the hypothesis that a pear a day keeps the dentist away.
• Cain may have been the first communist.
• To minimize the risk of injury, it might be helpful to move one's tongue before turning the other cheek.
• When in Rome, one should try to make a profit on the Romans.
• It would have been nice if Carly could have clarified whether, if attending a party on a yacht, one should walk aboard as if walking into a party or as if walking onto a yacht.
• Few people seen to question the authenticity of Bruce Springsteen's birth certificate.
• If it quacks, but not like a duck, one might well be confused.

Hypothesis about the possible origin of the specific wording of the First Amendment

It is possible that the wording of the First Amendment was adapted from an off-handed remark by one individual that "You know, Congress really should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.  Such laws would be way uncool!"

A Mother of All Conspiracy Theories

The so-called "birthers" have long maintained that Barack Obama was born outside the U.S. What is really ironic is that they don't know the half of it.

"Birthers" likely suspect that the President was likely born either in Kenya--the home of his father--or Indonesia, where records seem to confirm he spent some time. Imagine what a field day they would have if they actually learned the entire truth, or just 25% of it for that matter!

Barack Obama was not born in 1961 as is commonly believed. He was actually born in 1949 or 1950 in what was then the Soviet Union. The records relating to this are heavily guarded, so we have to rely on third party accounts which differ a bit in the details. When he was twelve or thirteen, he conspired with the Soviets, Lee Harvey Oswald, and aliens from outer space to assassinate President Kennedy. This accounts for the difficulty in reconciling the evidence at the scene with a lone shooter. Why weren't the bullets found? The aliens and strong and sophisticated magnetic retrieval systems that could selectively remove the bullets fired by Obama.

Why did Obama and the Soviets want to do away with Kennedy? Had JFK lived another week, he would have renounced his liberal policies and would have announced his switch to the Republican Party. And that's just the beginning. Apparently, the Soviets had learned of other changes that Kennedy meant to implement. These changes were so dramatic that only the top echelon of the Politburo knew about them. The spies who bugged Kennedy's office were deliberately selected from individuals who did not speak English. The Soviets were so shocked at what they heard that the erased the recording immediately after hearing it. All notes made during the meeting were destroyed.

What about the birth certificate that supposedly exists in the records of the State of Hawaii? Can't that be carbon dated to establish that it was written more than fifty years ago? Probably, but it would be stupid to underestimate the resources of the conspirators. The Soviets certainly had highly placed moles within the State of Hawaii who could have placed the certificate back in 1961. If that strategy had failed, the aliens would almost certainly be capable of time travel, allowing them to go back in time to plant the certificate. We are not dealing with amateurs here!

Does Obama know that he is a Soviet mole and what he did in 1963? Of course note! He genuinely believes that he was born in 1961 and has no idea that he ever shot anything. Since birth, he has been under a powerful hypnotic trance. It would be much too dangerous for everyone if he knew about the plan. Then he might accidentally slip up at some point. His health care plan, however, makes it abundantly obvious that he is under Communist control. It is doubtful that even someone as liberal as Ted Kennedy would have supported such U.N. Shadow Government sponsored government control. Yes, it is true that Kennedy publicly supported the plan, but that was because the aliens had threatened harm to his family if he did not.

Skeptics will object that there is absolutely no evidence for this theory. Such cynicism is completely unwarranted. This merely shows how proficient the conspirators were in covering it up. However, any halfway competent psychic can confirm these facts. Also, without this conspiracy, how would you explain any of the following?

• The Supreme Court's 1966 Miranda ruling
• The election of Jimmy Carter in 1978
• The development of nuclear capability by Pakistan
• Increasing crude oil prices
• The refusal of NASA to release any documents and photos establishing visits to earth by space aliens
• The growth in California sales tax rates during the last twenty years
• Declining birth rates in Japan and Europe
• Teaching of evolution in the public schools
• The appointment of Hillary Clinton as U.S. Secretary of State
• The creation of the U.S. Department of Education
• Increasing freeway congestion in many areas of the U.S.
• Flouridation of the water supply in many U.S. communities
• Requirements that vehicles sold in the U.S. contain air bags
• High rates of influenza and insomnia across the U.S. and Europe
• Tyrannical gun control measures
• China's increasing trade surplus with the U.S.
• The formation of the European Union
• Increasing salaries of librarians (the profession of Karl Marx)
  

Two truths and a lie

Last week-end, I attended a strategic planning meeting for the Autism Society, and a group of us went to dinner after Saturday's sessions. We played a game where each person would tell two truths and one lie about himself or herself. The others were asked to identify the lie. My three assertions:

1. One time, I yelled at Lucky Reagan--the late President and Mrs. Reagan's dog--to "Shut up!" when it was barking.
2. Due to a volcanic eruption that grounded all incoming and outgoing flights, I had to stay an extra six days in Iceland.
3. When trying to join a tall club, I failed the measure-in.

Any guesses as to which one is false? Nobody got it right at the dinner!

Strange dreams

Over the last two nights, I have had some rather strange dreams.

Last night, I dreamed that I was in Indonesia (I am not sure why) and that what was represented as a tsunami arrived. Oddly, it was not one huge wave, but a number of smaller, gentler ones--very much unlike the real thing. I and others did not seem particularly worried or concerned--we just stood in front of a house as though its walls would somehow shield us. There was no panic. I don't even recall being bothered by the sea water that splashed in and would, presumably, have made us wet and hit our heads, splashing into eyes and nose. This was clearly not a real life tsunami. One probably cannot be held responsible for what one dreams, but I feel rather guilty about having had this vision of what, in truth, is a devastating and terrifying event that actually kills people and imposes a severe hardship in its aftermath. It was almost a bit of a "reverse nightmare" where the bad things that, under the circumstances, would have happened in real life did not.

The night before last, it was clear in my dream that both my grandparents had passed away--as they have in real life with my grandmother passing away nearly two years ago and my grandfather, perhaps symbolically, passing away on December 31, 1999. What was strange, however, was they had somehow--toward the later years of their lives--moved to an apartment that I had never seen. I--and possibly other members of my family--went there for some reason that I do not recall. I do not have the impression that the apartment had been sold, and I have no idea why they would have moved there.

This latter dream parallels a number of dreams I have had about moving. Often, I dream that I never checked out and moved my things from the apartment that I rented back in college. There have also been dreams about moving away from the farm where my family lived in Denmark in the early to mid-1970s. One time, we somehow skipped the one we moved to before coming to the U.S., having already moved to the U.S.without vacating the Danish property.

Dreams about complications and delays in moves might clearly be related to my discomfort with change. Any alternative interpretation or interpretation of last night's dream?

Government accounting standards

Back many years ago in the MBA program, I took a class on Accounting Policy. One day, the professor made an off-hand comment that has intrigued me ever since: If the Government used the same accounting standards as businesses do, it would, in fact, be running large surpluses rather than deficits.

Although the specifics of both government and industry accounting are complex, the basic difference is that government accounting is based largely on income and spending. In industry, in contrast, credit is given for money spent to buy or produce a long term asset. That is, when the government creates a highway or building, the money spent is ordinarily "expensed" when payment is made. In contrast, when a firm builds a new factory, the money spent is generally balanced on the books with an asset that reflects the long term value of the investment made. Over time, a factory is then "depreciated," recognizing that it has a finite lifespan and future income generating potential.

What does this mean? It does not mean that it is OK to run up unlimited budget deficits as a way to "invest" in the future. Even if the money is put to good use, large deficits result in the so-called "crowding out" phenomenon: As the government borrows more money and pays increasingly higher interest rates, it is more difficult for businesses to borrow money. When firms have to pay higher interest rates, that reduces investment since, with higher interest rates and less certainty of the availability of capital, many new investments--such as factory expansion and new product development--become less attractive or, in technical terms, have a lower "net present value." Consumers, too, will generally--all other things being equal--end up paying higher interest rates on credit cards, mortgages, and other loans.

What these Government accounting standards do suggest is that not all budget deficits are created equal. Money spent on projects that--worthy as they may be--do not generate lasting value are more serious than those which create a long term asset. One can question whether we need another freeway, but once it has been constructed, it will be around for a while. Similarly, investing in education can result--from a purely pragmatic point of view--in a more competent and productive work force.

It should also be noted that, if put off, the maintenance of certain infrastructure such as power grids, bridges, and water distribution can become a lot more expensive in the future. As such, then, investing in those facilities that are Government operated and providing tax incentives for upgrades to privately owned facilities may make good fiscal sense.

Dinge Dong

Each year, many European countries participate in the Eurovision Song Contest. As the name suggests, each country selects a song to be sung at an annual event that alternates among locations. Many of these songs become hits.

In 1975, the Netherlands' entry, sung by a group named Teach-In, won. The song was reportedly criticized for its apparent non-sense title and lyrics.

When songs are "ported" from one language to another, the lyrics are changed completely. For example, the lyrics that go with the melody of the song "Killing Me Softly With His Song" in Danish go "Chicken, hotdogs, and soft serve ice cream." When the song "Ding Dong" was ported to Danish, it became "Dinge Dong." Now it involves a woman on her wedding day reflecting on the impending event. The "dinge dong" first refers to the sound of her alarm clock and later to the church bells that ring. "Listen to how [the bells] bring joy with each beat." Some of the additional lyrics go "I am wide awake and can hear someone. The mail carrier rings the bell. There are letters and cards. Many people have written to congratulate. Flowers in bouquets and telegrams. ... With a 'Yes' and 'Amen,' we are tied together and you are mine from today on."

My family left Denmark for California in November of 1978. At that time, the song was popular and something apparently stuck with me. For the last two years, I asked friends from Denmark if they knew the song. Nobody could identify it based on the few fragments of the lyrics I could remember back then. However, my cousin suggested that I contact Radio Denmark and they identified the song for me two weeks ago. I was able to order the CD by mail and it arrived today.

This is a touching song. It almost seems it must be to be remembered after more than thirty years.

As

One of Stevie Wonder's lesser known songs is rather concisely titled "As." Listening to the lyrics, I would have guessed that the title would have been something like "I'll Be Loving You Always," but for some reason the briefer and less descriptive title prevailed.

Arguably, "As" is Stevie Wonder's best song. Not only is touching; the similes are amazing. Unfortunately, the song does not show up on any of the "greatest hits" and other compilation albums.

One potential reason that this song did not do well on the chart is its length--seven minutes and eight seconds. The late singer Harry Chapin once remarked at a concert that he had difficulty getting his songs played on the radio because they tended to be "too long." He joked that he once had a song--W*O*L*D--which made it to the charts and "stayed there for fifteen minutes." It was actually more like eight, but for the radio, eight is apparently too much.

The Sense of Sound and Silence

There are two sensations that remind me of flying--one relating to sound and one relating to the lack thereof.

Seeing a "silent" TV screen--especially a big one--immediately brings up the sensation of being on an airplane. This is not surprising since I rarely ever want to watch the movies or video material shown. Over time, I have experienced numerous of associations between screen images without words and flying.

The sound triggers memories of flying is the fan of a notebook computer that kicks in when the hard drive is active. This is consistent with the sound of the early phases of a landing as small adjustments are made to speed and altitude.

Why Adulterers?

A number of individuals have, over time, expressed curiosity over my outspoken disapproval of adultery. My diatribes significantly precede the advent of Facebook. Back in college, I suggested a symposium on "The Virtues of Temperance and the Evils of Adultery." Back when I was in the Ph.D. program--in the days before strong computer security--I instituted a screen saver in the Department computer lab with the message "Adulterers are the scum of the Earth." Officially, the origin of that banner message was undisclosed, but some people probably had their suspicions. Unfortunately, zealous prudes are few and far between.

Most reasonably people would probably agree that adulterers are disgustingly sinful psychos, but a lot of reprehensible characters fall into that category, so that still leaves the question of why one would want to target adulterers with special zeal.

Cynics might suggest that having never been married, there is little risk in my targeting this group. There are, however, probably a large number of other scumbags I could target without running a risk of hypocrisy.

When first asked, I suggested that one reason for this target is that adulterers are likely to be so afraid of getting caught that they would be unlikely to raise suspicion by retaliating. That, of course, is a reassuring consideration, but hardly the whole story.

A more reasonable explanation might be that although I can intellectually absorb studies that show that a significant percentage of individuals commit adultery at least once during their lifetime, emotionally accepting that real people would do something so stupid in large numbers just doesn't happen. Yes, I know I am naive. If I didn't actually see a large number of people smoking, I would have difficulty believing that they would do something that stupid, too.

Studies have apparently found the incidence of adultery over a lifetime to run somewhere between 10-25% in the U.S. There is a question of as to the accuracy of these findings and, at the risk of stereotyping, rates are likely to be even higher in less morally conscious countries such as France. Some scumbags may deny their wrongdoing or attempt to come up with some rationalization why their contemptible transgressions are "not really" adulterous actions. Other individuals who are misguided enough to want to shock an interviewer or otherwise project a bad image--but not quite reprehensible enough to actually engage in this despicary--may falsely claim to have committed the transgression.

It is very difficult to understand why real people are willing to succumb to the temptation given the disastrous consequences that may result if they are caught. The fear of punishments keeps most people from engaging in various types of criminal activity. Why are the bozos in denial of the potential consequences of being caught engaging in philandery but not in denial of the likely punishment for counterfeiting, disturbing the peace, and murder?

Supposedly, there are only about thirty serial killers in action at any one time--not to say, of course, that those psychopaths can't do a lot of damage--but it is still a very small group. I am fully intellectually aware that the ranks of adulterers is much larger, but accepting this as "genuinely" true is another matter.

There is safety in attacking a largely non-existent group.

The Joy of Judgment

If you have not had a chance to check out my recent Facebook status updates, you might enjoy the following pontifications:

• Adulterers who park in front of fire-hydrants while committing their evil deeds deserve to have their cars impounded!
• Communist serial killer adulterers are even more reprehensible than "run-of-the-mill" adulterers.
• Adulterers should be retroactively denied Halloween candy and should be forced to pay back historical "trick-or-treat" spoils with compound interest!
• Adulterers should stop their evil ways and devote the rest of their lives to doing good deeds in repentance!
• The world would be better off without communists, tobacco, alcohol, adulterers, and raw fish.
• Ditching classes with impunity is a morally repugnant practice indicative of serious character deficiency, lack of dedication, and unmitigated sloth!

My Grandmother Was Geekier Than Your Grandmother!

My grandmother passed away peacefully yesterday at age ninety-six. As a member of a family of proud eccentrics, she was certainly a character. She was also quite geeky for her age--and for someone of any age, for that matter.

My grandmother read the news online. This gave her an opportunity to read the Danish newspapers in their entirety immediately rather than just getting the small weekly international edition by one of the Danish papers by mail a week later. She did, however, subscribe to the printed newspaper, but that was strictly for use by her dogs. Ironically, my grandmother was a journalist in her youth, and I can't imagine she would have wanted her own articles to receive that treatment.

Earlier, in her eighties, my grandmother had taken up the Internet and became involved in online forums. So far as we know, she never and an online affair--even after my grandfather passed away nine years ago--but maybe that just shows how much we know. She liked to share with the rest of the family the intrigue that took place between the participants in the online communities. My grandmother was among the early adopters of broadband. Before that, she had a second line for her AOL dial-up. Otherwise, her phone line would have been tied up too much. My grandmoter never expressed much nostalgia for her oldfashioned electric typewriter. She was, by the way, among the first to get an IBM Selectric back in the 1960s.

My grandmother was an avid photographer who enthusiastically switched to digital in her late 80s. It was a certain relief that she was now less dependent on those incompetent photo developers, most of whom failed to meet standards. Never mind about the old days when there wasn't much that could be done after the photo had been taken. My grandmother was a huge Photoshop enthusiast who liked to sharpen and otherwise alter her photos. Although she might have been able to teach these courses herself, my grandmother took a number of online photo courses. She worried a great deal about how many of her photos would be selected as a "Photo of the Week" from among those submitted by all students. She was usually hugely disappointed if only one or two of hers--as opposed to all the ones she submitted--were chosen. She was intensely aware--and highly critical--of her unworthy rivals. My grandmother did not subscribe to Photoshop Fanatic, but that probably has more to do with the reality that no such magazine exists than it does with lack of interest.

Over the years, my grandmother acquired a large number of cameras as new features emerged. Patience in waiting until the new models became available was not my grandmother's strong suit. Those online retailers not among the first to stock the newest cameras could forget about my grandmother's business. Many members of the family became the beneficiaries of the "obsolescence" of cameras acquired a year or two earlier. Still, the newer cameras frequently failed to meet expectations, becoming a disappointment.

My grandmother didn't bother with old fashioned paper invitations anymore. For her yearly birthday celebration, we were all invited by e-mail.

My grandmother did encounter certain computer frustrations. She was not shy about throwing files away. My mother would often receive very frustrated calls from my grandmother about computer malfunctions. It often turned out that my grandmother had dragged important program files into the waste basket, oblivious to any consequences this would have. As it turned out, of course, the consequences were usually minor since her daughter would come to bail her out. As a last resort, my grandmother also did have her laptop, but making do with a puny screen was somewhat of a comedown for someone accustomed to twenty-four inches.

Toward the end, my grandmother did acquire an iPod. You may wonder what held her back for so long. How, after all, can one be a true geek without an iPod, or at least some other respectable MP3 player such as Zune? Unfortunately, my grandmother never had great hearing even in her yournger days, so her interest in audio devices was limited. She did get an iPod when she was bedridden toward the end so that she could look at photos. Limited hearing might explain why my grandmother never used her cell phone much. Still, I have to admit that I have no satisfactory explanation why she never acquired a Blackberry or an iPhone with Internet features. Perhaps the buttons were just too small. Had this problem been overcome, she might very well have taken up texting.

Like it or not, my grandmother was geekier than your grandmother!

Partial solution of the California budget crisis

It occurred to me that if we moved UCLA to Bakersfield, a great deal of cash could be generated by selling the land on which that institution is currently located. This land could be replaced at a much lower cost in its new and more appropriate location!