Delighful Reflections: Quips, Conjectures, and Pontifications is now available

My new book Delightful Reflections:  Quips, Conjectures, and Pontifications (ISBN-13:  9780615561981) is now available from Amazon.com and CreateSpace.com .

The following are a few "samplers:"

• Any residents of Washington, B.C. were most likely Native Americans.
• Proof found outside the pudding is likely to be much less messy.
• A minister suffering from laryngitis is in a poor condition to preach to the choir.
• The right to use bullet points may be guaranteed by both the First and Second amendments.
• Someone singing "Do Cry for Me, Argentina" is likely rather self-centered.
• Granting a child's Christmas wish for a hippopotamus would, under most circumstances, be somewhat unkind to his or her parents.
• Morally marginal individuals ought to be aware that what happens in Vegas may stay on Facebook and Youtube for a long time!
• One would hope that a piece of textile with the message that "Dog food is delicious" is a dog coat.
• It is mean for parents not to allow their children to clean their rooms.
• It is really sad to hear one elementary school student bragging to another that "My funeral is going to be bigger than your funeral!"
• Authors who are afraid of the dark should refrain from hiring ghostwriters.
• One rarely ever hears any objection being expressed to the comparison of pears and grapefruits.
• If Lynn Anderson suddenly has a memory of this, the decent thing to do is to record "I DID Promise You a Rose Garden."
• If it does not look like a Dachshund, does not walk like a Dachshund, and does not bark like a
• Dachshund, it might be considered deceptive to list it on Craigslist as a Dachshund without disclosing these material facts.
• A nun who wakes up the whole neighborhood while beating up a fellow nun for disturbing the peace needs a serious talk by the mother superior about goal displacement and constructive ways to deal with problem co-workers.
• There does not appear to be any support in respected, peer reviewed journals for the hypothesis that a pear a day keeps the dentist away.
• Cain may have been the first communist.
• To minimize the risk of injury, it might be helpful to move one's tongue before turning the other cheek.
• When in Rome, one should try to make a profit on the Romans.
• It would have been nice if Carly could have clarified whether, if attending a party on a yacht, one should walk aboard as if walking into a party or as if walking onto a yacht.
• Few people seen to question the authenticity of Bruce Springsteen's birth certificate.
• If it quacks, but not like a duck, one might well be confused.

Hypothesis about the possible origin of the specific wording of the First Amendment

It is possible that the wording of the First Amendment was adapted from an off-handed remark by one individual that "You know, Congress really should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.  Such laws would be way uncool!"

A Mother of All Conspiracy Theories

The so-called "birthers" have long maintained that Barack Obama was born outside the U.S. What is really ironic is that they don't know the half of it.

"Birthers" likely suspect that the President was likely born either in Kenya--the home of his father--or Indonesia, where records seem to confirm he spent some time. Imagine what a field day they would have if they actually learned the entire truth, or just 25% of it for that matter!

Barack Obama was not born in 1961 as is commonly believed. He was actually born in 1949 or 1950 in what was then the Soviet Union. The records relating to this are heavily guarded, so we have to rely on third party accounts which differ a bit in the details. When he was twelve or thirteen, he conspired with the Soviets, Lee Harvey Oswald, and aliens from outer space to assassinate President Kennedy. This accounts for the difficulty in reconciling the evidence at the scene with a lone shooter. Why weren't the bullets found? The aliens and strong and sophisticated magnetic retrieval systems that could selectively remove the bullets fired by Obama.

Why did Obama and the Soviets want to do away with Kennedy? Had JFK lived another week, he would have renounced his liberal policies and would have announced his switch to the Republican Party. And that's just the beginning. Apparently, the Soviets had learned of other changes that Kennedy meant to implement. These changes were so dramatic that only the top echelon of the Politburo knew about them. The spies who bugged Kennedy's office were deliberately selected from individuals who did not speak English. The Soviets were so shocked at what they heard that the erased the recording immediately after hearing it. All notes made during the meeting were destroyed.

What about the birth certificate that supposedly exists in the records of the State of Hawaii? Can't that be carbon dated to establish that it was written more than fifty years ago? Probably, but it would be stupid to underestimate the resources of the conspirators. The Soviets certainly had highly placed moles within the State of Hawaii who could have placed the certificate back in 1961. If that strategy had failed, the aliens would almost certainly be capable of time travel, allowing them to go back in time to plant the certificate. We are not dealing with amateurs here!

Does Obama know that he is a Soviet mole and what he did in 1963? Of course note! He genuinely believes that he was born in 1961 and has no idea that he ever shot anything. Since birth, he has been under a powerful hypnotic trance. It would be much too dangerous for everyone if he knew about the plan. Then he might accidentally slip up at some point. His health care plan, however, makes it abundantly obvious that he is under Communist control. It is doubtful that even someone as liberal as Ted Kennedy would have supported such U.N. Shadow Government sponsored government control. Yes, it is true that Kennedy publicly supported the plan, but that was because the aliens had threatened harm to his family if he did not.

Skeptics will object that there is absolutely no evidence for this theory. Such cynicism is completely unwarranted. This merely shows how proficient the conspirators were in covering it up. However, any halfway competent psychic can confirm these facts. Also, without this conspiracy, how would you explain any of the following?

• The Supreme Court's 1966 Miranda ruling
• The election of Jimmy Carter in 1978
• The development of nuclear capability by Pakistan
• Increasing crude oil prices
• The refusal of NASA to release any documents and photos establishing visits to earth by space aliens
• The growth in California sales tax rates during the last twenty years
• Declining birth rates in Japan and Europe
• Teaching of evolution in the public schools
• The appointment of Hillary Clinton as U.S. Secretary of State
• The creation of the U.S. Department of Education
• Increasing freeway congestion in many areas of the U.S.
• Flouridation of the water supply in many U.S. communities
• Requirements that vehicles sold in the U.S. contain air bags
• High rates of influenza and insomnia across the U.S. and Europe
• Tyrannical gun control measures
• China's increasing trade surplus with the U.S.
• The formation of the European Union
• Increasing salaries of librarians (the profession of Karl Marx)
  

Two truths and a lie

Last week-end, I attended a strategic planning meeting for the Autism Society, and a group of us went to dinner after Saturday's sessions. We played a game where each person would tell two truths and one lie about himself or herself. The others were asked to identify the lie. My three assertions:

1. One time, I yelled at Lucky Reagan--the late President and Mrs. Reagan's dog--to "Shut up!" when it was barking.
2. Due to a volcanic eruption that grounded all incoming and outgoing flights, I had to stay an extra six days in Iceland.
3. When trying to join a tall club, I failed the measure-in.

Any guesses as to which one is false? Nobody got it right at the dinner!