Seven pounds of onions?

A local supermarket chain's advertising circular is featuring seven pounds of onions for a dollar. As an avid bargain hunter, I can't argue with the value. However, who in his or her right mind--except for restauranteurs, caterers, and institutional food service administrators--would want seven pounds of onions? Yuck!

You have the right to consult with a marketing professor

In the Miranda vs. Arizona decision, the Supreme Court mandated that individuals under arrest must be informed of their right to avoid self-incrimination. Although this decision has been criticized by some over the years, even the late former Chief Justice William Rehnquist--who generally was not very sympathetic to efforts by criminal defendants to keep evidence out of court--ended up writing a majority opinion that the Miranda warning by now had become so much part of "the American psyche" that it could not be excised from constitutional protections.

Most diet programs and nutritional product labels insist that the user should consult with a physician before implementing any dietary change or exercise program.

Why is it, then, that nobody reminds people of their right and duty to consult with marketing professors--the wisest people on Earth?

Don't get me wrong. I know that attorneys have by far the most accurate technical information on how to address the legal aspects of criminal charges. If arrested, one's first call should probably be to one's attorney. Soon thereafter, however, it might be a good idea to contact a marketing professor to discuss the best ways to maintain one's reputation while being unfairly charged.

We also need to keep in mind that although anything that a criminal defendant says after being advised of his or her Miranda rights can be used against him or her, in non-criminal situations, what you fail to say can work against you. Remaining silent can mean passing up a nice opportunity for profits or--better yet--even supernormal profits. Marketing professors can inspire you to say truly profitable and meaningful things!

Many people don't realize that marketing professors know about much more than just business. If you are ever wondering who to marry or have other important questions on ways to live your life, I cannot think of a more well-rounded and thoughtful person to consult than a marketing professor. Accountants, car mechanics, surgeons, dentists, rock stars, or electrical engineers? I don't think so! Maybe, in a pinch, a management or psychology professor could do, but "the real thing" is invariably best.

And shouldn't you have the right to have a marketing professor present during your marriage proposal in case you have any last minute issues for discussion or if you need to respond to proposalee's response to your question? The right to have one present during any questioning by the proposalee’s parents certainly seems like an essential one!

Will society ever come to realize the injustice of the current situation that communication with attorneys, medical professionals, and member of the clergy are privileged while communications with marketing professors generally are not? How can people be comfortable disclosing information that is important in resolving their situations if the marketing professor can be caused, by misguided prosecutors, judges, and civil litigants, to disclose sensitive information?

I have now doubt that history, in the long run, will vindicate marketing professors and give us our clearly deserved--but long denied--recognition. It's just painful to think of all the people who, in the mean time, will fail to fulfill their potential and will live much less happy lives than they would if would access the guidance of a marketing professor.